Early Friday morning, March 7 an unidentified subject, dressed in none other than the Boss costume, was spotted on a scooter shouting profanities at the student body. One freshman was knocked down by Boss on their way to class.
This was a suspected targeted attack, leaving the student on the road in front of Richardson, a hit and run. Big Muffin ‘26 is a baseball player who witnessed the collision.
“I mean I’ve hit a fair amount of people scootering just for fun but, like, not that bad” Muffin said.
Nurse Tammy came sprinting out of the Wellness Center on first notice to assess the situation. On inspection, Nurse Tammy thought a bandaid would do just the trick, however other faculty knew that serious medical attention was required.
The student was sent to the Spartanburg Regional emergency room at 11:30 am. To those that have shared their concerns, it has been confirmed that the student is expected to make a full recovery.
Campus Safety has assured the student body that they have the situation under control, but signs point to otherwise.
On Saturday night, Boss snuck himself into the row. Although no one was able to get close enough to test his blood alcohol content, witnesses say that the suspect was severely intoxicated.
Boss somehow managed to sneak an entire bottle of liquor into Sigma Alpha Epsilon and was seen drinking straight from the bottle while dancing on top of an elevated surface. Chad Snort ‘28, an SAE pledge, was asked to provide further details of his encounter with Boss.
“He asked me for a line, which would have been low key funny as hell I shoulda just gave it to him, but I obviously told him I didn’t know what he was talking about. We don’t do that here,” Snort said.
The situation continued to escalate once Campus Safety arrived. Witnesses say that Boss became aggressive and started taking physical actions towards the two officers that tried to detain him.
Boss escaped Campo by jumping the gate and was seen headed straight for the trail behind the senior village. The college has strictly prohibited anyone from going near the trail until the investigation is over, as it may be Boss’s home base.
Boss seemed to have laid low on Sunday, March 8, and hopes were high that this was the end of his rampage. These hopes were quickly crushed on Monday when Boss instigated a food fight in Burwell.
The fight only lasted a total of ten minutes before stopping, but AVI Food Services was extremely displeased. Students were forced to walk to class with rotten mash potatoes in their hair and 3 day-old green beans in their shoes.
This trickery was the third and final straw. President Samhat released a press announcement early Monday evening, offering a $10,000 reward for anyone that provides information contributing to the demasking of the suspect.
Surely this violence is not coming from the real Boss, but the subject is still yet to be identified. Suspicions arise that this Boss imposter may not even be a student, but a professor. However, no sufficient evidence to this claim has been provided.
Nonetheless, whoever it is, has tainted the reputation of the college by parading as the very own mascot that our student body holds so dear. This sinister act needs to be put to an end.
If anyone has any information, please contact the college immediately at (864) 294-2000. This has grown into much more than a few silly pranks, this is war.
And Boss, if you’re out there reading, justice will be served sooner or later. You will be found, and all of your antics will soon come to an end.
