By: Elaine Best, Editor
Disclaimer: The following article is not a real news article. It is a fake news article. You may or may not read this disclaimer. Much like the introductions of books or the iTunes user agreement, it’s a sad little puddle of letters glued together forming nonsense words. We hope you brought your rain boots, and if not, prepare for some wet socks. We guess. That was weird. Read on, please. Run away from this disclaimer.
Disclaimer of the disclaimer: We haven’t written a disclaimer before and are not sure what all we should include. Should we apologize if you are reading the print edition and this article gives you a paper cut? Should we apologize if you’re reading this online and feel excluded? If your laptop dies as you read this article or if a falcon comes and steals your pastry while you were in the middle of this disclaimer? We do not know what to do. And that is our disclaimer.
The pressure is on as final projects, papers and presentations have been assigned, and the deadlines are barreling toward us like golf carts on a Wofford sidewalk. The guide team has been hiding by the railroad tracks, unsure of how to even begin to assist the Wofford campus on navigating these complicated and traumatizing times. But then lightning struck, and we came up with a brilliant idea – why not invent ways to simply hide from this terrifying semester? Avoid to your heart’s desire and read below:
- The Ditch. Dig a hole and hide in it. Perhaps campus organizations can gather together with shovels and pails to create these safe places, called The Ditch. The Ditch is where one may ditch all other worldly responsibilities, climb into the Earth and curl up on oneself. The Ditch will be BYOB – bring your own blanket – and will be a great asset for students.
- Chocolate aid kits. Sure, first aid kits are great for when you accidently staple your finger or roll over your toe in a wheelie chair. But as our new Supreme Ruler Taylor Swift reminds us, “band aids don’t fix bullet holes.” But you know what probably does? Chocolate.* Chocolate aid kits should be at the ready in every building on campus, preferably next to the fire alarms. A similar pull down device will be installed that shoots a plethora of chocolate at the student. You may be bruised, but hey, it’s chocolate. If any students are allergic or dislike chocolate, we suggest you hide in The Ditch for your own protection.
- Blanket bounce houses. It’s like a bounce house but with blankets. You can wear the blankets, jump on the blankets, hit other people with blankets, fall on blankets…what more could you want from life? There will even be a slide included where students can roll down in their blankets, perfecting the burrito fold – where a person is so perfectly wrapped in a blanket, they look like a burrito. Burrito up and avoid your college woes!
- Hand yoga. Someone scribbled this on a scrap piece of paper and left it in our suggestion box. We want to include student opinions in this newspaper, and this is the only suggestion we’ve received so far so, um, yes. Hand yoga.
- Mandatory harp and oboe lessons. What better way to unleash a semester’s worth of pent-up frustration than to channel it into the most difficult instruments known to humanity? Harps have too many strings attached, which will cause you to have bad flashbacks of your ex. Few people on this earth can make an oboe not sound like a dying goose. March into the music building and let it out, we say! Make a mangled mess of the poetic harp! Obstruct the oboe! That one kid in your English class who starts every sentence with, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you mean…?” Make his ears ring with the maddening symphony you have been writing since you stepped on campus.
- Free paper bags. These are perfect for hiding your face in shame after blundering a presentation. The best part about the paper bag is that once you are done living in shame,* you can color on it and make silly masks.
*Please be advised there is a good chance that you may never stop living in shame.
- The Underground. Entrances will be found through The Ditch. The Underground is a new unofficial dorm on campus that hosts those who truly want to escape the hells of college. Clothed in darkness, students experience a world where they have a million excuses to not accomplish anything. Homework? Sorry, can’t see it to finish it. Working out? No one cares what you look like in this black abyss. Clean up the room? It’s already made of dirt, what else can you do? Students who wish to live in the mole-like enclosure should send their applications in by Dec. 3 and have a strong appetite for canned foods.
- Meditation. Some revenge plans get out of hand. Breathe in, smile, exhale and try to escape through the inner depths of your mind.*
*Some of you have made it quite apparent, though, that there is no depth to your mind. That’s okay – even the shallowest of pools are susceptible to kids peeing in them.
