By: Eileen Worst, Editar

Wofford College will release its first line of condoms this week in an effort to push for a more extensive sex education program following an outbreak of chlamydia, syphilis and herpes that appeared after the Black and Gold Ball.

According to the Wofford website, the program will attempt to lower “sexual situations among students” by placing a picture of President Nayef Samhat’s face on the wrapper of each condom.

“We wanted to base it off of those piracy ads for movie stealing,” says the Director of Wofford Innocence Mary Sweet. “You know, the ones that say, ‘you wouldn’t steal a pizza, would you?’ We hoped that it would deter students from engaging in sexual activities when they saw his face, triggering his voice to pop into their heads, saying, ‘you wouldn’t want herpes, would you?’”

Sweet states that Wofford Innocence hopes to prevent future outbreaks of chlamydia and other STDs on campus with the new condom campaign.

“Whenever you’re trying to sell something of this nature on a college campus, you want to make sure the message reaches your audience. In this case, that it’s hip with the youth,” Sweet explains. “We wanted to have some unforgettable phrases that students will remember during these situations to ensure that they know what they are doing and that they are doing it safely.  Some of the slogans we’re testing right now with a focus group are ‘Don’t forget to put a Hat on it!’, ‘It’s your world: hold off on populating it,’ and ‘Be safe with Nayef!’”

The line will have three different varieties of condoms: the “Khaki Sutra,” “The More the Terrier” and Phase V’s own limited edition line, the “Daily Special” – this week’s feature is Kettle Chip and Ciabatta Cherub – all designed with close-up pictures of Samhat’s face.

According to Samhat, he was delighted when he heard about the campaign.

“If students desire more sexual education programs, I’m all for it, and I think they’re all for it as well,” Samhat says. “If that means the students feel more comfortable with my presence as part of that process, then so be it. The students need to start this revolution.”

Students can pick up their own Wofford condoms in the bookstore, Health Services or the abandoned stump behind Burwell.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue.

Please keep your eye out for the print edition coming on April 12!