Bump’s response to the virus
Written by Cody Vid, staff writer
President Ronald Bump has been holding numerous press conferences responding to the COVD-19 pandemic. In a press conference held a week ago, for example, he proposed cutting funding to the World Health Organization by nearly half despite the raging virus I sat down with two individuals on the cabinet, Dr. Antonio Faucet, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, and Mr. Alazar Alexander, Secretary of Health and Human Services.
I was treated to two very different experiences.
My Monday meeting with Faucet was uplifting and informative, but I learned very little new information. “Make sure you wash your hands for at least twenty seconds. There are numerous ways you can make sure you’re doing this. You can just count 20 Mississippis to ensure you’re actually counting off seconds, or you can recite short poems or songs to yourself that you know are 20 seconds. My Catholic friends like to tell me you can get to 20 seconds by saying the “Hail Mary” twice…” He continued, “Do not go out in public unless you absolutely have to, and if you do, make sure you have at least six feet between you and people you do not live with. Cover your face with non-medical grade masks so that the really protective ones are saved for our medical professionals.”
The real story emerged from my meeting the next day with Alexander. It began much the same as my previous one with Faucet had, but then I began to get the stuff I’d never heard before. “President Bump is the single most capable President in history to handle a pandemic like we’re currently experiencing, just like he is the most capable man to handle any issue this country has faced. He’s the first man we’ve had that can actually scare the virus to death.”
When I inquired further, Alexander simply responded: “I trust the President’s word over the medical professionals, and though they say viruses aren’t even alive, I know that we’ve had a much lower number of cases compared to the rest of the world because the virus is scared of him. These tactics worked wonders with China, the place where the virus originated, it worked wonders with Mexico, who now want to deport all of their sick here, and it’ll work wonders with this disease.”
President Bump refused to have an interview with me, calling me part of the “deep state media who is not worth a second of my time” after my interviews with Alexander and Faucet. However, in a White House Press Conference the following day, he echoed much of what was told to me by Alexander while the sea of faces behind him looked at him admiringly. Faucet spent most of the conference with his glasses off, squeezing the bridge of his nose, notably not in compliance with the guidelines he had laid out for me earlier in the week.
