Written by Miss Lonelyhearts

I know that everyone on campus has had the following experience: in the dining hall: you sit down for a nice quiet meal, and pretty soon you’re jumped on by the Campus Atheists. I have no problem with the Campus Atheists, or I didn’t for a while, but pretty soon their advances became forceful. They wanted me to go to Darwin study, they have Q&A sessions, and even sponsor events every Friday night for other good Atheists. 

At first I tried to be polite with them, and tell them simply that I did not believe in Darwin, and that the Origin of Species is a clever collection of stories, not factual history. Who could really believe all of it? I didn’t want to be offensive to their beliefs.

However, the Campus Atheists are everywhere. They’re criminally polite and as persistent as Mormons. They always want you to go to Darwin study. I know that the majority of the people in the U.S believe in Darwin, but I’m just not interested in him. 

At first they accepted that I didn’t believe in Darwin, and everything was fine for awhile. But then I started to notice that everyone else on campus believed in Darwin. They started talking about him when I was around, and I started noticing people studying their copies of the Origins of Species wherever I looked. All of a sudden the Campus Atheists had taken over. 

I finally yielded, if only to understand their obsession and devotion. Most of them say that Darwin has healed them at some point or other, and that he is the light of their lives. When I went to their meeting, we read passages from the Origin of Species, and discussed its significance in our own lives. 

I knew from the start they were trying to convert me, and I became paranoid. I had to leave. 

For a long while after, I questioned. Maybe I was rejecting Darwin from my life too, and there truly was something to learn from the atheists. What I eventually realized is that many of these atheists are afraid, and they believe in Darwin on the off chance that he is real. 

After reading a selection from the Origin of Species, I realized how absurd and cultish the whole thing was. 

This is not an attack on all atheists; some of my good friends are atheists. I even spoke to Dr. Knob Dobson, the resident Darwin expert on campus, and I thought he was very open to people who don’t believe in Darwin. However, I do believe that the Campus Atheists are off the rails. 

I haven’t spoken with any of the Campus Atheists in awhile, and they haven’t approached me, so for now everything is going alright. But it’s foolish to think they’re finished. I know they’re lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to slip up so they can pounce and reintroduce me to Darwin and the good book.