Wofford’s grounds are notorious for being infiltrated with acorn-obsessed adrenaline junkies, but recently, students and other members of the campus have noticed the absence of their favorite nut-hoarding mammals. Instead, it seems that there has been an alarming increase in suspiciously confident birds.
The Old Black and Blue thinks this is no coincidence.
An anonymous source expressed their concern for the decrease in appearances of the miniature mascots of the campus.
“It’s a little eerie walking around campus and not getting jumpscared every ten seconds. This is not normal,” the source said.
Reports of the disappearing squirrels began surfacing earlier this semester, with some students claiming they saw the usual chubby-cheeked creatures entering the science building but never coming back out.
“I saw a squirrel go onto the fourth floor of the Milliken science building and when the door opened again, there was just a bird sitting on the ground, looking extremely confused,” another anonymous source said. “It made eye contact with me like it knew things.”
Students have since reported an unprecedented increase in birds, not just any birds, but birds that act like squirrels. While administration denies any involvement, an anonymous source (definitely not a bio major with lab access) claims that Wofford’s ornithology department has been conducting “groundbreaking research” on interspecies communication.
“I can’t say much, but if you really pay attention, the birds are looking more jacked than ever, they’re climbing the trees with their wings instead of flying,” the anonymous ornithology student said. “I even saw one chow down on a Chick-fil-A fry without any problem.”
Students have some theories about why this research is being conducted on Wofford’s grounds. It could be a ruse to obtain more prospects to enroll in Wofford so that Wofford can leech off more money from naive 18-year-olds deciding their life with poor judgement. Others believe that these ninja birds are being placed around campus to spy on its students.
Professors of the ornithology department share strong sentiments against the allegations placed.
“There is no secret research project funded by Wofford of a squirrel to bird project happening on \this campus. That would be ridiculous,” an anonymous source (definitely not a professor from the ornithology department).
The administration denies any allegations, claiming that the sudden increase in oddly intelligent birds is simply nature doing its thing. They state to remain committed to the ethical treatment of all campus wildlife.
It seems like monkeys turning into birds is a trend that Madame Morrible from Shiz University may have inspired here at Wofford.
If you see a bird flying a little too confidently, run.
