Bid Day. A long awaited day where many freshman girls find their forever home here on campus. It is a celebration of girlhood, sisterhood, and Wofford itself.
Until this year.
This year, the celebratory day has been overshadowed for many by the lasting damage that was caused. The college has received reports from many that even now, weeks later, they still find glitter embedded deep within their scalp, their cars, clothes and even the grass.
The college received so many reports of this, that it was flagged by a branch of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The FBI has a special division of agents that have been tasked with finding and detaining the culprit for one of the biggest threats to national security since 9/11: the national glitter shortage.
“The glitter shortage, called The Shortage by those close to the situation, has been an ongoing issue for years, but it has just achieved both public attention and status as a security breach,” a representative from the FBI’s HR department said.
The team had been in the middle of investigating those deemed ‘The Pop Girlies’ by many: Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter, Chappell Roan and Olivia Rodrigo. They had long been suspected of causing The Shortage, but the investigation had begun to hit a dead end. That was when Wofford’s reports got flagged.
“Honestly, we all sighed with relief when they told us. We were beginning to worry that we would have to go up against The Pop Girlies and, well, I shudder to think how that would have ended,” Zoll Offt, an agent assigned to the case, said.
Now, Wofford Panhellenic is rushing to prove their innocence in The Shortage.
“We didn’t do it. Plain and simple. Sure, we use a lot of glitter on bid day, but everyone does that. And sure, we use even more for boy’s bid day. But again, that’s not a crime. We did nothing wrong,” City Gurl ‘27, president of Panhellenic’s glitter committee, said.
The investigation is ongoing, but so far, the FBI is confident they will be able to find what they are looking for.
“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if we need to, we’ll just plant the evidence. I mean, we won’t need to, look at the amount of glitter around the row, but still, if needed, it’s there,” Offt said.
Panhellenic is confident their true innocence will be proven, despite the mounting evidence to the contrary, including but not limited to: having a glitter committee, the amount of reports of glitter stuck to scalps across campus and the amount of glitter that has been found in the sewers below campus.
“I mean, we love the government, just as much as we love the folks at The Old Black and Blue. So clearly that is a lot. And that gives us all the more confidence that the truth will be found,” Gurl said.
As the investigation unfolds, the campus community waits beside the rest of the nation to see if The Shortage can finally be solved.
