The college’s long-prided landscaping seems to be reaping the unintended consequences of a new alcohol policy.
At the beginning of the fall semester, Wofford introduced several new rules to their alcohol policy, all of which can currently be found in a book with a thickness rivaling “War and Peace.” These new regulations concern the carrying of open containers across campus, now prohibiting students, including those 21 and older, from having alcohol in the many open and grassy spaces across campus.
In their official email to the student body announcing these changes, administration directed their efforts towards “students looking to drink their problems away.” Yet, it seems that the landscaping has come under fire as well.
The problem began in October, AKA the middle of tailgating season, AKA the middle of an embarrassing annual ritual known as “football season.” Wofford’s beloved grass was not exhibiting its typical lusciousness, but instead showed signs of drought.
Sam Cocktail ‘26 compared the agricultural side effects of the new policy to “divine retribution.”
“Since Wofford is apparently so insistent on becoming one of those strict Christian universities, I’d honestly compare the whole thing to the plagues of Egypt,” Cocktail said, “Clearly the Big Man Upstairs has nothing against a good time.”
“At first we thought the lawn’s condition was because of some kind of global warming garbage,” Moe Inglons, Wofford’s head groundskeeper, said. However, he and his team would soon learn to attribute these symptoms to the recent lack of alcohol in these areas.
“It turns out our irrigation system hasn’t been effective since 2006,” Inglons said, “The grass’s sole source of nutrients has been whatever jungle juice the students have been spilling over the years.”
It seemed that the grass’s new definition as “dry” was more literal than intended. In response, Wofford administration and landscaping began efforts to irrigate the areas around Thanksgiving Break, with hopes to revitalize the lawns by the time students returned. However, it proved difficult to introduce only water after years of supplemental nutrients from cheap beer, which frankly is not suitable for human consumption anyway.
“Jesus turned water to wine, I guess the grass did the opposite,” Cocktail said.
The grass’s revitalization was a slow and tedious process. Extremely arid conditions loomed over the campus. All the while, students resorted to binge drinking in the confines of their dorms, as to abide by the restrictions on the grass.
“I think this semester is kind of like a combination of the Dust Bowl and COVID lockdown,” Daisy Drunkard ‘25 said, “My friends and I take shots from our separate porches in the Village, facing each other. The grass stays dry and we stay inside.”
As the alcohol policy has evolved, it appears the drinking culture at Wofford has as well. Students have been reported playing beer pong across patios and fashioning reallyyyyy long straws between their drinks in their apartments and any outdoor festivities.
Despite the efforts to revive the party culture and the damaged grass, some areas are far beyond repair. Phase two and three of the Senior Village are now hollow forms of their former selves in terms of landscaping and vibrant weekend darties.
Students like Drunkard and Cocktail have rallied behind a movement to bring back non-sober gatherings in the Village lawns that is aptly named “Make Students Wet Again,” a seemingly twofold goal which could be achieved by transferring to a big state school.
Administration has yet to offer any official response to this movement, suggesting their intentions to remain a major fun sponge.
Students interested in metaphorically standing up for their right to drink until they can no longer physically are encouraged to reach out to the aforementioned organization by email at [email protected].
