The rapid speed of electric scooters driven throughout the campus has raised multiple concerns from students and staff. The administration has implemented a change to bring safety back to Wofford’s campus.
After various football players mauled a philosophy major who was too busy staring at Neitzche’s writings to see the scooter, a biology major whose sight was foggy because they forgot to take off their lab goggles, instruction and research librarian Tim Brown who was helping a student pick up their dropped books and a student too focused on networking to look up from LinkedIn, the administration decided to take action.
Despite the campus being a maximum 10 minute walk from anywhere to anywhere, these athletes insist on having some form of faster transportation. Notice it isn’t the girl’s volleyball team or the boy’s basketball: and those are the ones who actually win!
Anyways, these students who are supposed to be the most physically fit out of everyone on campus, insist on a form of wheels. The administration tried Heely’s, but professors of government David Alvis and Samuel Fontaine seemed to have snagged a pair for themselves.
The two teachers did not appear at their scheduled classes, rather could be found skating around the one long hallway of Daniel Building. Then they ran through a window. Now that I think about it maybe that was the intent— those teachers do really hate how outdated that building is.
I digress. President Samhat, after trying various forms of wheels with his wife, Prema Samhat, during a dog walk decided on a classic razor scooter. He informed the athletic department of his decision and approved the revoking of all electric scooters.
The athletes all returned their electric scooters to the genie, Jerry Richardson, who granted them. Each athlete then was given a razor scooter. They think these scooters are free, but their semester bill has an extra $45 for “fees.”
The scooters were great at first, that was until these athletes had to experience the excruciating pain of a metal razor scooter attacking an ankle. Because these athletes have not been using their legs, their ankles are not strong enough to deal with this attack from their razor scooters.
Throughout the campus, athletes are seen toppling over because their ankles are simply not strong enough to deal with the hit of a razor scooter. Many athletes have opted for the radical idea of walking from class to class, an idea so astonishing no other student would’ve thought of it, well except all the other students.
Overall, accidents have reduced with the replacement of electric scooters by razor scooters. Athletes, although heavily bandaged on their ankles, have stopped terrorizing the campus with their speeding scooters from the environmental building to Miliken. Finally, this campus may know safety again.
