By Elaine Best, Editor
For many first years and perhaps a few upperclassmen, talking to a professor can seem quite intimidating. After all, this full-grown adult is in control of your grade. They have so much knowledge in their brain. They know the vile ways of making a syllabus, for goodness sake. How are you, the meager young pupil, supposed to entrench upon the gates of their office and seek guidance? Using a team of classy individuals wearing monocles, we set out a team to come up with the best ways to approach a professor.
Reveal the legend: First, discover what mythical creature your professor is. There is no way they are actually human, so it is time to figure out which species they most resemble. You wouldn’t want to approach a centaur the same way you would a pixie, would you? Try to get a sample of your professor’s DNA from a paper they hand to you or the chalk they held. Once you rope in your science major friends with free food, set them to analyze the sample.
The plot: Once you have done that, begin planning how you will approach your mythical professor. Be wary of fangs and poisonous claws. Professors cannot always resist their natural instincts, which, depending on the species, may revert to ripping out your guts and claiming your soul for the tribe. But you really have nothing to fear when it comes to approaching a professor!
The offering: Following these steps, it is now time to enter your professor’s office. If you are coming by during office hours, you need to be prepared for whatever state your professor is in, especially if they are a werewolf. While professors keep these hours open for students, they are not always prepared to receive you. If you do encounter your professor as a werewolf, you may want to consider giving your arm up as an offering in the name of getting a good grade. And who knows — if you become a werewolf too, that could create some great bonding between you and your professor!
It is vital to recall that your professors do not know that you know they are mythical creatures. In their eyes, they think that you should know that they want to help you and want you to come visit them. But do not be fooled. Professors are not here to help you with your education or your life. They are not here to be your friends. They are here to gather sacrifices for the overlord of mythical beasts, and you must not be caught in their trap. Do not let on that you know their secrets, or you will suffer.
But again, you really have nothing to fear when it comes to professors on Wofford’s campus.
Enlightenment: One day, you will hear of a friend who went to a professor’s office and received great advice on an assignment. You will one day hear that this person befriended the professor, and has been known to hang out in their office for large amounts of time discussing dogs or ice burgs or weird movies. They seem to have benefited greatly, and you start to wonder if maybe talking to your professor isn’t so bad after all.
