SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW TRADITIONS ON CAMPUS —
Wofford college tends to boast of its many campus traditions, such as the rubbing of the “I” in the misspelled plaque, sneaking into the bell tower, fondling the Terrier statue and being covered in some grimy substance before splashing into the fountain. But when was the last time we had a new tradition on campus? We at the Old Gold and Black thought it was about time we started some new traditions. We have compiled a list of possible hijinks and shenanigans that students should commence as soon as they finish reading this article. They are as follows:
The Squirrel Snatch: This tradition requires all students before they graduate to successfully trap and capture a Wofford squirrel. These cute animals with surprisingly strong throwing arms are not meant to be harmed in the process. The traps should be as elaborate as possible. One squirrel may find themselves trapped on a valiant throne. Another may have been lured by a mini-Jacuzzi. Other students may find ample opportunities to capture their animal friends—students who live on the up- per floors of their dorms may create a squirrel-obstacle course from their window into their room. Some students may become obsessed with the idea of capturing a squirrel. It will consume their every thought. If they become too over the top, it is time to instead capture the student. Again, elaborate traps are highly welcomed.
The Hogwarts Welcome: Upperclassmen gather a few fresh- men they either know or decide they will get to know in this next adventure. It involves having a raft or boat-like object, someone dressed up as Hagrid and then sailing across the fountain. It would symbolize nothing except for an extreme love of Harry Potter. Some people may choose to dress as dementors and then chase the freshman all the way back to their dorms. The scale from fun and adorable up to terrifying and scarring is up to you.
The Blue: On a chosen day at random, let’s say, Oct. 2, everyone will wear blue. People who do not know about the Blue will be confused. No one will say anything. Confusion will be everywhere. The reason behind this tradition will be that there is no reason. It is pointless. Everything in the end is pointless after all. Oblivion is inevitable.
The Silent Treatment:
The Howl: If you’re out and about on campus around midnight and the bell tolls, you must howl like a Terrier (well, that’s how Admissions will describe it, but we don’t mean for you to just yap like a Terrier. Perhaps more like the howl of a wolf, the yawp of an untamed beast, the cry of partiers when their song comes on at the Row). This tradition is not only a great way to see who is out a night, but will make criminals in the surrounding area believe Wofford has invested in an army of guard dogs (or, as Admissions will say, a troop of Terriers). It’s a win-win.
A Mystery Tree: Many campuses across the country have a tra- dition where they paint a rock. Wofford students, however, are a little cleverer than painting a rock (and, to be honest, the rock would probably be covered in monograms and phallic drawings by the end of the day). Instead, the student body will choose a tree to become the new Mystery Tree where random objects will be placed in its branches. These objects should not be harmful to the plant or the animals living in it (student-traps aside). Some examples include: balloons, a lopsided vase you made during ceramics, a cardboard cutout of President Nayef Samhat dressed as a pirate, sobbing biology majors, paper leaves that look like real leaves, leggings and oversized shirts, AVs, your hopes and dreams, an exact replica of The Battle of Hastings made out of recycled theses drafts, or even an issue of the Old Gold and Black (though taking a thinned-out, dead version of a tree and putting it on a tree seems a bit cruel, but we digress). The objects should be changed out often. Except for your dreams. Your dreams no longer exist. Oblivion: it is inevitable.
The Tire: A tire will be placed on the front lawn of Old Main. Half of campus must decide that the tire cannot be removed because it has always been there and it is a part of Wofford. The other half of campus will argue that the tire should be made into a swing and that this change would bring new opportunities not just for the tire but for the students and faculty. The debate must go on until the college is destroyed. The tire will never move. There will be no compromise from either side. Everyone will hate the tire in the end. People will try to forget the tire exists but every day they walk to class it will glare at them, sitting on the lawn, whispering darkly to them, “Was it worth it in the end?” New arguments will burst out about the ethics of leaving a talking tire out on the front lawn. Years down the road, a world-wide nuclear war will break out and everything will perish in the following winter— everything, except for the tire. It will sit there for all eternity.
These traditions will hopefully be ingrained in our campus culture immediately. For historical purposes, you should document you and your friends completing these traditions. You shall go down in history. Perhaps oblivion is not inevitable after all for you. As we like to (now) say at Wofford, “Where there is a tire, there is hope.” Cross-stitches of this quote will be sold at the bookstore following this issue’s publication.
