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Old Gold & Black

Old Gold & Black

Let’s get basted

Let’s get basted

By: Savanny Savath, Staff writer

Strings of light hang above the porches and outside of the store windows. Snowmen and snowflake decorations pile at the front of the store. Evergreen trees replace last month’s pumpkin patches. Merry—wait! There are frozen turkeys, canned cranberry sauce and casseroles. What are those?

It is Thanksgiving. It is the middle child, and like all middle children, Thanksgiving is stuck between the scary, older Halloween and the innocent, beautiful Christmas. Everything Thanksgiving offers is either ignored or overshadowed by the candies and carols.

Thanksgiving is also Halloween 2.0 because it is still acceptable to bring pumpkin pie to the family Thanksgiving dinner. However, a pumpkin pie won’t work as a Christmas present unless you are either desperate or creatively ironic. Or the Grinch.

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If you are preparing for the obscure holiday called Thanksgiving, then there are some important things you need to know. Instead of reserving a turkey or buying it early or late from the market, grab one of the hunting rifles from your father’s gun cabinet or rack. Go out into the woods, not too far. It is simply your backyard. Walk slowly and wait for a turkey to come striding by.

If you do not know what a living turkey looks like, then imagine the ugly cousin of the peacock. Now shoot it, and voila, you have a real turkey that is fresher than any reserved turkey from Whole Foods. After the gutting, plucking and washing, the easy part is over.

The next step is to buy stuffing and canned goods such as cranberry sauce and gravy from the grocery store. Be wary of the crazed holiday shoppers who may seem rude. In their defense, they are only saving their real thanks for the actual holiday.

Thank your small hands when you stuff the turkey. If you have big hands, then wait and try your hand at breaking the turkey’s wishbone. The wishbone is like a genie except one of them does not need a holiday to grant wishes.

If you are not celebrating with the family and have decided on a Friendsgiving, then the first step is to find (not buy) some friends. You can buy them but you are probably the host, so your turkey and preparations are payment enough. Besides, Thanksgiving is about thanks and…giving. Give people food, and they are guaranteed to be your friends.

Potential friends for Friendsgiving can be found at their homes. They are usually in their rooms or staring intently at their cell phones at the dining table. If all else fails, you can also ask Krampus – the antithesis to Santa Clause who punishes misbehaving children – for his help.

However, before you go off into the woods to get a turkey, there is one last thing to keep in mind. If Thanksgiving fails miserably, remember that you have the Christmas tree and lights already set up in the living room. Entertain your guests with that because they are thinking about Black Friday anyway. Happy holidays.

 

The front of Food Lion is full of Christmas baking stands with large snowflakes plastered on the windows.

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