By: Addie Lawrence, Elaine Best and Rainbow Bubbles, Editors
A: I always knew this battle would be coming. As they say, never work with your friends. So why would you work with your enemy? It’s been a long year, and the time is right to determine who will be the One True Editor.
E: Since we survived all of our missions and quests, the test has come down to a final appeal to the public to decide who shall be the reigning champ. There are no more obstacles, no final plot twists. Just me and Addie.
Unicorn: I think you mythed someone.
E: And…a unicorn?
U: Yes, it is I, Rainbow Bubbles, the third competitor for the One True Editor. While you two fools have been traipsing across the country trying to kill one another, I’ve been back at Wofford, editing the articles and adding glitter to the layout. If anyone should win, it should be me.
A: …As a philosophy major I have to wonder about the implications of fighting against something that doesn’t exist. Don’t get me wrong, I love the potential in this acid-trip-gone-wrong, but how does a creature without hands stand to fare in this fight exactly?
E: I hate to agree with whatever Lawrence just said, but yeah, I’ve never seen you before in my life. How can you possibly be real, let alone be Editor?
U: It might beHOOF you to read up on the facts, you human garbage bag. As a unicorn, I am the fan favorite on this campus. Ask anyone who reads the newspaper – Rainbow Bubbles is “amazing,” “inspiring,” and “has really toned thighs.”
A: I’m pretty sure those comments were stolen from a Bernie Dunlap remembrance article. Plus, anything can be quoted out of context. For example, did you know Emma Watson said “You know what’s really good? [The Old Gold and Black]. The…writing is…good and…[Addie] is the…best [Editor].”
U: Whatever. I wouldn’t talk so big to a horse that has a horn on its head and magical powers. I could make you into a lamb shish kabob. See, readers? This turnip with legs can’t even focus on the main issues. I stand on a platform of giggles, hearts and fairy dust. I don’t think you’ll find either of these “editors” with those kind of moral values.
E: For your information, Addie and I love giggles. But listen here, Mr. Bubbles, I most certainly do have a platform. I want to create a wall, a big wall, between Marsh and the rest of campus. The Marsh residents are going to pay for it, of course. I don’t believe any of us should have to deal with such sad human beings.
A: That was my plan! I guess I’ll have to go with my back-up: building a barricade with the chairs behind Old Main. They’re so heavy, no one will be able to move them. I’ll make flags out of all the the abandoned clothes in the laundry room, and for weapons, I’ll scout the Village for crushed beer can projectiles.
U: That’s it, we should put this to a vote. Let the people decide. Hah, you’ll never win. I have the ogre vote.
E: Addie would never vote for you, what are you talking about?
Final Statements:
E: Addie Lawrence wet the bed until she was twelve. Her favorite color is yellow. She’s a fan of Scrappy-Doo. You don’t want okay, you don’t want good, you want the best – Elaine Best. Vote for me as your new ruler – er, the One True Editor.
A: Anyone with the last name “Best” is clearly overcompensating. Did you that know Elaine laughs when puppies fall down? Her smile peels the paint off of walls, and baby oxygen molecules tell ghost stories about being sucked down her throat at night. The One True Editor should be someone you can trust, someone who can lay down the law – vote “Law”rence.
U: A vote for me is a vote for happiness. All readers will get a free tube of sparkling toothpaste for my vote.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue
