By: Parr T. Hardy, Staff Writer
Dr. Hamsat, president of Wofford College, recently held an open forum with students to discuss campus proceedings and policies. However, things went horribly awry when a horde of frat boys burst through the doors of the Gray-Jones room and began chanting, “Free the Greeks.”
Joe Schmo, a senior Delta Iota Kappa member, was involved in the protest and states that Wofford’s fraternities banded together to bring more recognition to their concerns.
“Hamsat just doesn’t understand us,” says Schmo. “My brothers and I here at DIK have been oppressed by unfair rules for far too long. We just want to have a good time.”
Alarmed, Hamsat has declared a new campus-wide policy: all students will be allowed to legislate themselves.
“I’m the president of this college, not the students’ parents. I think that if they are capable of getting themselves into this school, they should be intelligent enough and responsible enough to take care of themselves,” says Hamsat. “Starting from today, all students have free reign in their career at Wofford.”
Immediately following this announcement, there was a rise in calls to Campus Safety. Unfortunately, officers were unable to respond to many of these calls as a group of unidentified men disguised in terrier costumes swarmed the office and hijacked all golf carts.
“It’s crazy out there. I ended up calling 911 asking for an escort off the premises,” says officer John Jackson. “While waiting for the police, a few of us were corralled into Andrews Field House by some crazed freshmen who were declaring vengeance for their previous AVs.”
The staff members of the Black and Blue bravely traversed through campus to keep up with the destruction.
“It felt like walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I’ve seen things now. Nothing will ever be the same,” says reporter Paris O’Keefe. “I saw seniors create two-story beer funnels from their apartment balconies. Chemistry majors are stealing lab supplies to burn their names into various Wofford landmarks. Even the animals are rebelling – possums have overrun the Black Science Annex and squirrels have been forming factions and holding full-on battles.”
Since the self-legislation rule has been announced, all classes have been suspended as administrators attempt to restore order. However, many have given up the task and instead have begun using the self-legislation order for their own benefit. Dean Smaller was seen moving her family members into the almost-completed Greek Village, preventing use by students.
“Honestly, at this point I don’t even care what the students do anymore,” says Smaller. “They could be burning the school to the ground, but, hey, at least they’re doing it together as a united, cohesive student body.”
Even Wofford Ambassadors have given up on presenting Wofford as a peaceful, composed institution. They have begun hosting prospective student keg parties as part of their daily tours.
“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em is what I always say,” says tour guide Jessie Gee. “The people on the tour all seem to enjoy the drinks, and I’ve learned that if we start with the keg party, then they don’t seem to notice the chaos as much.”
Since his announcement, Hamsat has yet to be seen anywhere on campus and has made no other statement in regards to the campus anarchy. However, a close insider has said that Hamsat is fully prepared to stand by his statement:
“I think the general consensus is that if you got yourself into Wofford, you can get yourself out of it.”
Beware and tread softly Wofford students. Beware.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue
