By: Brie White, Staff Writer

In the time when I’m not hitting the books, I’m more than likely consulting the stars. I’ve had the help of some typically negative characteristics associated with the Zodiac signs, and now I’m an expert in all things horoscopes.  The new students to come for Wofford certainly won’t escape my wisdom.

For the incoming freshman, I’m projecting four years full of Burwell suppers, recruitments gone awry, overcommitting to clubs/socials/what have you, pint nights galore, terrier everything and new times in the new facilities that Wofford is so graciously (albeit slowly) building. They’ll hit the books, have awesome, awesome stories to tell and get an education like no other. The good times at Wofford are as clear as day, but here is how some of the Zodiac babies might react to the bad:

The Aries, the bossiest of our zodiacs, are moody and unhappy if they’re not in control. This might be a little problematic as scheduling turns up because we all know the pickings are slim for our freshies. Good luck Aries, have fun in Western Civ senior year.

Taurus, the extremists of the bunch, might struggle a little bit when Wofford gets a little eh. Hate to break it to you, Taurus, but the ‘burg isn’t always bumpin.

Gemini, you fickle thing, will probably spend all four years bouncing all around. While this is great, Wofford is smaller than you think, and networks, so interconnected, might come back to bite ya.

The Cancers of our incoming bunch are coming off cliquey. They’ll fit right in. Cancer, it’ll do ya some good to expand outside of your humanities group.

Leo, tending toward arrogance and pride, will probably get into one too many fights with a Furman student about which institution is better. You’ll be backed up, Leo; we all, including Forbes, know the truth.

Virgo, the OCD Freshman of the bunch, is gonna have a lot of trouble when tables are in high demand in Milliken. Sharing is caring, folks, but finals week is an all-out brawl.

The Libras are stuck in their ways. Libra, it’s not high school, or mom and dad’s house, anymore. Being a student at Wofford right now means things are a-changing; hop on the bandwagon or risk a miserable time.

Scorpio, Scorpio, you drama lover, you. Perhaps the Wofford College theatre department is your place to call home.

The Sagittarius of our incoming class knows how to take advantage. I’m sensing some competition from this Zodiac, and if not, at least the people who are first in line at Miss Cathy’s.

The real leaders, though, the Capricorns, are definitely housing a future Campus Union cabinet member or two. Their astrology totally lines up with the North Star, aka “all eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus”- Britney Spears and probably, also, every Campus Union representative ever.

The Aquarius of the bunch do not respect authority so I’m pegging most if not all of them in the incoming class will be a little bit angsty. Trouble makers, trouble makers, where are you?

Last but not least, we’ve got Pisces, and these guys, they tend to run with the herd. You’ll see them rollin’ and you won’t be hatin’.

As you can see, even analyzing these newbies negatively has me feeling eager for their arrival. Can’t wait to see what the stars, and the admissions office, bring to us in Fall 2016!!

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue