By: Maddie Walrus, Editor

Provost Dennis Wiseguy cut tenure in all departments in an unprecedented move during an address to the College on April 4. His act marks the first time in collegiate history that tenure has been entirely eliminated from an institution.

“Tenure is not a right, but a privilege,” Wiseguy said in his address to the campus. “Rights are inalienable. Privileges are ordained.”

Wiseguy continued, saying that privileges can and should be taken when they come at the expense of the College as a whole.

“Tuition is rising, students are gaining a lot of debt – how can we cut costs? Tenure is the obvious answer. I’m tired of the administration talking in circles around this problem without solving it,” Wiseguy says. “So I’ve resorted to drastic measures.”

“Who’s going to stop me? It’ll take months before Wofford gets a consulting group to evaluate the change,” Wiseguy adds.

The speech thrust Wofford into the national spotlight, prompting commentary from other institutions.

Furman President Perry Winkle says, “This is a historic move for Wofford. We’re all watching to see how this change plays out.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the kindling that truly set Wofford aflame,” she adds. “Students complain all the time about their institution – have you read their Yik Yak, lately? The point is that students are poised to gain a lot of power, if they take the initiative.”

Despite Winkle’s comments, no students were present during the address, nor have any attended the subsequent forums. Regardless, the announcement set the student body abuzz with commentary.

“Does the provost have that kind of power? I honestly have no idea what a provost even does,” says junior Lilly Pull.

Michael J. Sosulsky, the new provost following Wiseguy’s retirement, has yet to comment on Wiseguy’s changes and has not made a statement on whether or not he will uphold the cuts.

Wiseguy says that Sosulsky’s opinion is irrelevant, as the final months of the semester will provide the College with enough time to fire key individuals.

“There are professors who’ve cursed at classrooms, who’ve made derogatory comments toward students, who’ve even walked out when they’ve gotten frustrated with students using cellphones. On the contrary, there are a few professors who just rub me the wrong way,” Wiseguy says.

“Tenure is a trump card used by professors to overstep the boundaries of power,” he adds. “It prevents us from holding them accountable for their actions in the classroom. The threat of losing their jobs should ensure that they act in accordance with the College at all times.”

President Nayef Sambrerro says he supports the decision. In a follow-up speech, Sambrerro declared that college campuses should not be safe spaces, even for faculty. The comment follows a collegiate debate regarding the role of diversity and inclusion on college campuses.

“Ultimately, college is not a safe space. It is a place for young people to grow mentally and emotionally, and sometimes they need to be challenged.”

Following his statement, Sambrerro signaled maintenance to open the doors of two cages placed in front of Old Main, releasing six wolves onto Wofford’s campus. The motion corresponded with Wofford’s new zoology major.

“The real world is vicious and unforgiving,” Sambrerro says. “There are no safety nets. Thus, Provost Wiseguy cut tenure, and I released the wolves.”

“I think the howling adds a nice touch to the nightlife on campus,” he says.

Sophomore Sophie Moore supports Sambrerro’s decision.

“I think college students in general are too thin-skinned,” says Moore, as a wolf bites the flesh from her arm. “Quite literally. This is really painful.”

Some are in support of one decision but not the other.

“Okay, I think wolves are cool,” says Ivy Green, environmental professor. “However, I will not stand having my tenure sliced. I worked my way up to this point, and I’m not prepared to throw it all away.”

Rumors abound that faculty are planning to overthrow Wiseguy’s decision, mutiny style. Green did not deny this rumor.

“I’m not saying that these rumors are unfounded,” Green says. “I won’t, however, elaborate.”

Wiseguy said he was “not phased” by the rumors or Green’s comment.

“They can burn Old Main to the ground. Tenure’s gone, and I’ll fire them all,” Wiseguy says. “Or better yet – I’ll send them to the wolves.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue