Man reminds people that Democrat was the party of slavery
Written by Belle Blonde, Southern correspondent
Caption: Where would we be without 5th grade U.S. History?
The 2020 General Election is looking good for President Donald Trump after an anonymous South Carolina man reminded the country that, during the American Civil War, the Democrats supported slavery. “It seemed like a fact that most people had forgotten,” said the man.
He thought of the fact after searching the attic of his vinyl-sided suburban house and finding his son’s old 5th grade U.S. History textbook. “I can’t believe, after reading cold, hard facts like that, he went on to support a communist,” the man said of his now college age son. His son was not available for comment, though did offer our reporter a ‘Bernie 2020’ t-shirt.
The news of the finding went viral on Twitter within a couple hours, with numerous arguments in the comments and immense pressure on the remaining Democratic presidential candidates to withdraw. “I’d simply never thought of that,” stated Vice President Joe Biden. “I can’t believe that, for once, I’m not old enough to remember that.”
Our reporter approached the anonymous man again yesterday morning to ask him if he ever learned things throughout his schooling that would conflict with this information in his son’s textbook. He replied: “As far as I’m concerned, anything afterwards doesn’t matter. What matters is the basics, which is the history they teach you in elementary school, same as biology.”
Within hours of his original statement going viral, the media was abuzz with predictions about what might happen. “What this tells us,” stated newscaster Sean Hannity of Fox News, “is that college is completely useless. It’s for white-tower liberals who ignore the real facts: the facts we learned in elementary school.”
After two days, the Democratic party completely shut down, leaving only the Republicans and the other parties that somehow still exist to fight for the presidency. An employee at Mount Vernon alleged that the strange rolling sound that had been occurring inside the Washington family tomb ceased, but it was followed by a loud groan.
The country is now in a secure spot as the Democrats go tumbling down, scrambling for one party to agree on unitedly support. Rumors have been circulating that they will now split into two parties called “Diet Republican” and “Broke College Student.”
As for President Trump, he will be sure to run away with the election this coming November, all the way to his Palm Beach golf club.
