The 24 hour Wofford Purge

College to suspend all laws for one day to amend parking issues

By Eileen Worst, Editar

The Campus Oligarchy and President Knife Hatsam have released a new proposal to amend the lack of parking on Wofford’s campus. Beginning this year, certain parking lots closed to make room for new construction projects, forcing the College to create an overflow parking lot in the Calvary Baptist Church 30 miles away from campus. However, Student Body President Murr Dur believes that a solution is on the horizon.

“We first considered adding more spaces,” Dur says, “but it occurred to us that perhaps we were looking at the problem all wrong. That’s why we decided to focus on having fewer students on campus rather than adding more parking spaces.”

The proposal, titled the “Wofford Purge,” would allow students 24 hours to claim their own parking spot. For the allotted amount of time, all laws will be suspended, allowing students to fight for the death for a parking space.

“I’m really excited about the idea,” says Dana Hotwheels, ‘17. “As a commuter, I think I definitely have an advantage. I already fight to the death for a spot. You don’t even know what I’ve had to do to find parking on this campus.”

Violence and parking is nothing new for Hotwheels.  In the past, she has run over students to ensure she could park on campus.

“In the Campus Life lot, some guy was about to get in his truck and move it closer to Dupre. But there was only one space left, and I needed it to go to my art class. Before he could even think about moving his truck, let’s just say I got to him first,” Hotwheels says.

“I hope I can add more human speed bumps to this campus once I’m done with the Wofford purge. Maybe that can count as some service hours,” Hotwheels adds.

Junior Theodore Goodyear revealed that he has been storing up for the purge since it was announced.

“These are hand-carved,” says Goodyear, showing the OGB five spears he made from fallen branches around campus. “If psychological torture doesn’t break them first, this surely will.”

Goodyear hopes to claim a spot in the horseshoe.

“I think it’s only fair. I’ve been stuck going to the Calvary lot for three weeks now. I can’t afford to pay the Sherpa to guide me back to Wofford anymore, so I’m glad Wofford is finally putting its students first.”

This is not the first time Wofford has created a purge. One was originally announced in October of last year, but no one on campus seemed to know that it was happening.

“Certain staff members kept trying to run over students in their golf carts, but as it turns out that wasn’t purge related,” Dur says.  “We eventually realized that putting the purge in the morning announcements was a mistake. We forgot no one reads those.”

In fact, only one student partook in the purge of October. According to Campus Safety reports, Ida Hum, ’16, attempted to claim a parking spot in the front row of the Village. Anytime someone came near her spot, she “grabbed [them] by the ankles and beat [them] against each other.”

The incident was infamously coined “The Human Piñata.” However, Hatsam believes that this purge will end with different results.

“We are hoping to avoid incidents such as the one involving Ms. Hum,” Hamsat says. “That’s why the purge is mandatory, even for students who don’t have cars on campus.”

When asked what would happen if none of the students complied, Hamsat said there was a backup plan.

“If students refuse to join the purge, we will sacrifice the first years living on the top two floors of Marsh,” Hamsat says. “After that, we will attempt to create chaos within the dorm, slowly turning the first years against each other. That’s why we’ve allowed the mold to keep growing in the ceiling – some of the students have already lost their sanity. If we can get them even wilder and then release them on campus, then the purge should be back underway.”

“We really want the Wofford community to get involved on this one,” Dur says. “The purge will not only fix our parking issues, but now we’ll have more room in the dorms as well as in our classes. I have my own strategy; I’m personally focusing on claiming an apartment in Phase IV of the Village.”

The Campus Oligarchy will give out t-shirts to the first 100 people who join the purge.

“Well, we’ll actually only have 100 cozies,” Dur admits. “No, wait, make that 15. But you should still come out!”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue