By: K.P. Sanderson, Staff Writer
President Nayef Samhat announced last week that as an addition to his strategic vision for the College released last year, the board of trustees has recently approved all students being provided their own golf cart, starting in fall 2016. This initiative came as a response to student complaints of being forced off the sidewalk by faculty and staff driving golf carts.
“We have decided to eliminate the problem altogether by providing students their own golf carts,” explains Roberta Bigger, dean of students. “This way, there will be no sidewalk competition and students may start to be more punctual for class. Everyone wins.”
Samhat explains that the raise in tuition will cover the costs of 1600 new golf carts.
“We raise tuition to keep Wofford’s programming competitive with that of schools like Furman and Davidson,” says Samhat. “Recently, the administration and I considered what we could do to make Wofford unique, and provide something to students that our competitors cannot. Giving them golf carts is what we decided on.”
Jason Burr, vice president of facilities, says that sidewalks will be widened to accommodate two golf carts side by side. Parking lots will also be remodeled with smaller, golf-cart-sized spaces. Students will no longer be permitted to park their cars on campus, only their golf carts. Stop signs will also be added at intersections to insure the safety and efficiency of drivers on campus.
“I’m really pumped to get my own golf cart,” says sophomore Melissa Smith. “I already know which bumper stickers I want to put on it. I’m also excited about how easy it will be to get to the apartments and the new row on Friday nights. Instead of carrying my heavy backpack full of beer across campus, I can drive it over with me.”
Officer Dwayne Harris, Campus Safety supervisor, warns students that they will be given an alcohol violation if they are caught drunk driving in their golf carts.
He wants to remind everyone that, “with great power comes great responsibility,” but he mostly trusts students to make wise decisions. Texting and driving will also not be tolerated and will be punishable by fine.
“Overall, this will have positive impacts on the students,” says Bigger. “They will be less tired because they won’t have to walk as much, they will be on time to class and they won’t have as many back problems from carrying heavy books on their backs. Wofford made the right decision.”
Students who would like to opt out of the free golf cart can do so with a slight deduction from their tuition. However, administration asks that they not walk on the sidewalks, to avoid accidents and lawsuits. They still will not be permitted to park personal cars on campus, as all the parking lots are being remodeled to accommodate golf carts only. One parking lot will remain normal for campus guests. For questions, contact Campus Safety.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue
