By: Git’r Dun, Staff Writer
After frequent student complaints about reoccurring campus issues, we sat down with Wofford’s maintenance staff and got the inside scoop on why Wofford can’t seem to get itself together.
“Wofford has given us a list of its priorities and unfortunately, often the needs of the students seem to take less precedence,” says Bob B. Ilder. “Sometimes it seems as if Wofford’s priorities actually cause a lot of the problems that students frequently cite.”
A portion of this priority list has been given to us by our informants from maintenance and has been printed below in its full unabashed, unedited glory.
- Continually building our fleet of golf carts so that one day all faculty and staff may have transportation provided for them (thus they won’t have to traverse campus, dodging squirrels and falling trees/branches)
- Plant more trees because they keep falling
- Encourage ecological diversity by introducing new mammalian species to the campus environment (ex: new possum family in the BSA)
- Investing in buying the oldest, loudest leaf blowers possible in order to effectively increase overall noise pollution levels and headache complaints (thus helping with point #5)
- Encourage health center attendance:
- Allow the Marsh Plague to thrive in its natural environment
- Combine landscaping and construction activities in order to increase sleep deprivation and general ill health and attitude
We spoke with one student who feels as if her complaints have been continually ignored by the upper echelons of Wofford’s administration.
“Every time it rains, our roof, without fail, begins to leak,” says Miss Whett, who has asked that we not reveal her first name. “It’s caused a psychological breakdown in our room. We never know where the leak will spread. It’s stained our furniture and completely dissolved my research essay. At night, my roommate and I hear the echoes of the drip invading into our dreams.”
In order to provide Miss Whett with some peace of mind, members of our dedicated investigative team climbed on top of the Wightman dorm building to investigate the cause of the leaking.
They soon found that Wofford had ripped up various panels on top of multiple buildings, including Anna Todd and Campus Life, in order to build a future slip and slide course for prospective students.
“It’s hard when students approach us, desperately pleading for help and assistance because oftentimes there’s not much that we are allowed to do to resolve their problems,” says Bob B. Ilder. “I once had a girl clasp onto my leg, sobbing and refusing to let go because the Shipp fire alarm was overly sensitive and went off every few days. The truth of the matter is that Wofford has a very close relationship with the local fire department and they have an agreement that if the department is having a slow day, Wofford will trigger the alarm to let them do something.”
Many staff members working at the physical plant and with maintenance agree that if you have any issues, asking them for help is pretty pointless. If you want to get something done, they’d recommend fighting fire with fire.
Your roof leaks? Break a window in President Hamsat’s house. The leaf blowers wake you up every morning? Hide in trees outside of Dean Smaller’s house and howl in the middle of the night. Hopefully, through these measures, Wofford’s priority list may be altered.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue
