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Old Gold & Black

Old Gold & Black

WANTED: The curious case of Kevin Quis

Kevin Quis poses with a ukulele sent from an anonymous Snapchat account. A bright future encouraged by the Space program at Wofford College or a false trail?
Kevin Quis poses with a ukulele sent from an anonymous Snapchat account. A bright future encouraged by the Space program at Wofford College or a false trail?

By: April May, Contributing Writer

As a result of increased tuition, many people have decided to live off-campus.  However, in the case of one Kevin Quis, a freshman here at Wofford College, he has decided to live out of his self-proclaimed luxury vehicle – a Hyundai Sonata. While there is ample room in a Hyundai Sonata for Quis to stretch his legs out, this still points to a flaw in our system.

I mean yes, studies have shown that an increase in tuition leads to more prestige. Just look at Yale, Harvard or even Brown University. Decades of academic excellence and esteem are typically overshadowed by the even more luxurious numbers that accompany them. A degree from one of these institutions costs more than the average university, so it only makes sense that they are held in such high respect.

From the tuition guidelines that most universities follow, as the age of the institution increases, so does the price tag. It’s basic math that has been followed for decades, so why change now?

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While it does seem like a poor life choice, living out of a car has actually gotten Quis a bed for a night or two. You can typically find him prowling in the Village apartments scoping out his next room as he tries to pick people up.

You may have experienced this first hand as he was the person talking to everyone, starting each conversation off with, “My wife left me and I live in a car, my cat died last week…” followed by a variety of different tragedies, all leading up to his selling point: “I live in a car.  Can I sleep in your room tonight?”

While Quis is dealing with the increased tuition to the best of his ability, in the end, he still lives in a car.

We haven’t heard from Quis in a while. Some say he has dropped out of college to pursue a career in ukulele playing. Some say he’s taken on to being a full-time vagabond. Maybe he’s returned to New Jersey. All we know is one of our own is missing and needs to be found as soon as possible because fall registration is approaching and classes are exceptionally hard to get into due to a continuing increase in class sizes.

If found, please e-mail [email protected]. His friends are worried about him and need to know if he’s really gone so they can scavenge through his things to re-sell in order to afford their own Wofford room and board. Not everyone has a luxury vehicle to live out of. We can’t allow more of our students to resort to unorthodox off-campus options when we have more than enough rooms, food options and other amenities to accommodate them.

Again, e-mail [email protected] with any information, relevant or otherwise.

 

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue

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