By: Kant Flirt, Staff writer

According to estimates from reliable sources such as Information Technology (IT), Wofford students use up five acres of a forest in a week from all of their printing escapades. However, those estimates only account for printing papers for classes. There are no official reports on what students print outside of class work. In either case, since two weeks ago, students are struggling to find places where they can print with ease.

The main locations that students favor for printing are The Space and the Sandor Teszler Library.

“I get to the library really early, like five minutes before class, so I can print the reading assignments and a paper that’s due that day. But apparently there’s something wrong with the computers because they’re not connected to the printers. So I can’t print on time and get to class. And there’s usually a line at the same printer,” says junior Wanda Winn.

Circulation Coordinator Saint Paul understands students’ struggles with printing at the library. He has been helping students by allowing them to use the computer at the circulation desk.

“Day in and day out, I see the once joyful, smiling students feeling down about the printing. It pains me to see their upside down smiles. I am not sure why most of our computers won’t allow the users to print. I know there’s a disconnection, and maybe it’s due to faulty wiring somewhere. The library staff has talked to IT about the issues. We’re still working on a solution,” says Paul.

IT staff have declined to comment on the printing issues across campus, except for former IT employee Psy Cho, who mysteriously disappeared after his following statements. Cho worked on a program called Secret and Confidential (SAC).

“SAC was meant to help users on the Wofford network to effortlessly navigate the system, from myWofford to the Wofford page. I can’t tell you how we did it, but the finished product was essentially an artificial intelligence system, or an AI. The AI helped the network run smoothly, computers were connecting to printers, and there was never a glitch. But an AI is not something IT could have announced to the Wofford community,” said Cho. “So the higher ups—higher than me—changed the system into something mundane, like a wireless network. They renamed it, so what everyone calls Air Terrier is actually Artificial Terrier. I think it’s the AI or AT that’s screwing up the computers and printers.”

Cho noted that the printing issue is another problem that IT has not managed to fix completely. Reported problems range from Moodle shutting down to Air Terrier’s unstable connection.

“I don’t know what’s going on in [IT]. But whenever I go there to get help on my laptop, I feel like I’m in an interrogation room. You know, like the ones in ‘Law & Order.’ That’s a good show. Speaking of L & O, I can’t finish one episode without it buffering because Air Terrier keeps disconnecting or whatever is going on,” says freshman Mark Buffalo.

“The students have a right to know what is going on in IT. They should know about the AI. I mean, why do you think tuition keeps rising? That’s where the money is going to: IT and their AI. It’s only going to get worse from here, like Moodle changing up professors’ assignments or students’ grades,” said Cho. Those were his final comments.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue