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Old Gold & Black

Old Gold & Black

Scott Kull: The new Director of Athletics
Abigail Taylor, Contributing Writer • April 16, 2024

The Taylor Swift takeover

We+knew+Taylor+was+trouble+when+she+walked+in.
We knew Taylor was trouble when she walked in.

AND HOW TO “SHAKE IT OFF”—

Oct. 27 will be remembered as the day that everything changed for people across the globe. For some, it will have been the day their idol released a brand new album. For others, it will be the day that the gates of hell reopened.

It was the day Taylor Swift dropped her newest album “1989,” her first all-pop-no-country masterpiece that is sure to be the center of attention for the next couple of months if not the rest of your life. While this album will create mass hysteria and joy for many fans, those students who are not Swifties, the name of Swift’s fandom, may find themselves unprepared for the craze that is to come. We have compiled a list of what to expect from the masses of fans during these trying times in hopes of aiding those people who are not as swift in handling Taylor Swift.

Screaming:

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The first thing you should prepare for on the release of this album is the random screams that may be heard across campus. These screams can occur at any time. In class, a professor may say that the French Revolution started in ’89 and five people will squeal because T Swizzle’s album’s name is “1989” and sure, that’s referring to the 20th century and not the 18th century, but her music is timeless after all, and isn’t it crazy that her new album fits their lives perfectly and not to mention that the list of guys who the songs might be about is still up in the air, like is she still writing songs about Joe Jonas? You see, all these thoughts bubble up inside of these people until it bursts out in the form of undignified shrieks. They physically cannot help it. Bring earplugs with you at all times to protect your eardrums from these unexpected screeches.

Sing-a-longs all day long: 

Along with uncontrollable shrieking, fans of Swift cannot control the urge to burst out into song. It’s a curse for them, really. The second they hear a sound that sounds anything like a musical note, they will take that as the Pitch Pipe of Life signaling for them to start a beautiful, a cappella rendition of Swift’s studio-recorded, sung many- times-before-it-was-perfected song. And they will be on pitch every time.* The first week you will be forced to sit through car rides, meals and classes as everyone around you sings joyfully to lyrics you don’t know. By the second week, you will know every lyric to every song and will even catch yourself hummingthese songs when you’re not paying attention. This is when you will slowly begin to lose your grip on reality. We suggest you write on your palms your full name, your major, where you live and what your favorite color is. This is the only strategy we’ve seen thus far that has a chance of saving people during the Taylor Takeover, and even then it is only a 47 percent chance of recovery. *They will never be on pitch. Life is not “Pitch Perfect.” Do not accuse us on this one, folks. It’s time to face the music. Or rather, it’s time to turn away from the music and get back to the uncontrollable, non-pitch-related screaming.

Mass hatred:

If you do not like Taylor Swift, do not admit it. Take that secret to the grave. It is not safe to talk about here. Meet in Leonard at 3 p.m. Under the third bench from the left, you will find a packet. In the packet, you will find instructions on the nearest route to Canada – unless you dislike Celine Dion; then go to the bench behind that one and find the packet with instructions on how to get to Bosnia. We wish you luck on your travels.

Overwhelming nostalgia:

Hearts will be broken with Swift’s new all-pop album as her die-hard, country loving fans will be sure to reiterate to you time and time again over the next few months, years, decades and perhaps even into the afterlife. Yes, how could the “Teardrops On My Guitar” singer do this to them? What’s up with Taylor switching out her vintage dresses for electric blue leotards? Why is Taylor twerking? Shouldn’t she be burning photos and reading love stories? They will debate Old Taylor versus New Taylor. You will be roped into these conversations despite the fact that you have no opinion whatsoever. Or free will, for that matter. But, as we all know, it is important to let people know they are completely wrong in their objective opinion on something that does not matter. We suggest bringing a stick with you at all times to swat at these debaters. It will at least give them something else to be angry about.

Numbing repetition:

Once the madness of the screaming and constant sing-a-longs breaks your resolve and allows you to obtain her album, you will begin to feel numb on the inside. This was what everyone wanted, right? For you to hop on the Taylor train? Well, here you are, ticket in hand, broken heart in the other. The smile on your face feels strange. Why are you dancing? You go through every day with the same blank stare on your face, the same structured gait as you walk aimlessly through this life, your head nodding to the beat of “1989” without you consciously moving it. Your body has become the vessel for a pop star you don’t care about. Who are you? What are you doing? What is this life you lead? The answers remain a mystery. You close yourself off. It is over now. You are one of them. You are a Swifty. We hope you survive the mania. For all the true fans out there, enjoy the new album to your heart’s content. For everyone else, we wish you the best of luck.

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