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Old Gold & Black

Old Gold & Black

College moves to replace all soft drinks with flat soda water

The Galleria is the prime location for the upcoming drink replacements.
The Galleria is the prime location for the upcoming drink replacements.

By: Annaymous, Senior Writer

The College has recently revealed that the flat and syrup-less soft drinks at the soda fountain in Phase V are part of an ongoing effort by the college to rid the entire campus of carbonated beverages.

Recently, students have noticed the increasing unavailability of soft drinks; although most believed this to be merely a result of oversight, the College claimed that it is actually a purposeful attempt to provide a healthier, more holistic education to the students.

“Every day, it seems that more and more experts are publishing more and more studies proving the dangerous health effects of carbonated beverages,” says the College’s vice president of on-campus beverage health.

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“Wofford’s mission statement is ‘to provide superior liberal arts education that prepares its students for extraordinary and positive contributions to society.’ How can our students make positive contributions to society if they are constantly facing the risk of potential minor health problems related to soft drink overexposure?” says the vice president.

The College stated that Phase V is the first experimental step in the eventual campus-wide ban of soft drinks.

“We decided to start in Phase V and measure student response,” said the vice president of campus beverages. “For the past six months, we’ve been covertly monitoring the fountains, recording student reaction based upon a number of qualitative observations such as visible frustration, expressed disappointment, verbal complaints, number of curse words and tear flow rate.”

According to the Vice President, the measured responses were analyzed using a variety of multi-variable statistical tests.

“Our results show that, eventually, students should tolerably adjust to this change.”

Many students have expressed concerns that the College may be banning soft drinks purely for financial purposes, and not for the health purposes it boasts.

“Obviously, it is cheaper to supply the fountains with flat soda water instead of artificially-sweetened brand-named beverages. Of course that was a factor in our decision,” the vice president says.

“The College hopes that students will adjust to the flat soda water and understand that in the long run, we know what is best for your digestive system.”

The College encourages students to replace the caffeine obtained from soda with coffee drinks made in the on-campus cafes.

“We have beautiful cafés on campus, and we encourage all students to spend their terrier bucks sooner, rather than later.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue

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