By: Annaymous, Senior Writer
To deter the recent influx of students attempting to break into the legendary bell tower of Old Main, WAC will host a campus-wide competition to select five students who will take the first-ever sanctioned bell tower trip.
“WAC believes that it is high time that students have access to Wofford’s historic bell tower,” said a WAC spokesperson.
The competition has a $100 per person entrance fee. Teams of five will compete during a fifteen-round test of various skills throughout the week of April 25 to 29.
“We’re testing the vital skills unique to Wofford students, such as the ability to create a parking spot in impossible places, and the competing team’s ability to crash an apartment party to which they were not invited,” said a WAC spokesperson.
In order to maintain a level playing field, the complete list of categories will be kept secret until the week of the competition. However, the Old Gold and Black has confirmed several other competition categories, which will test a competing team’s ability to strategically avoid eye contact with passerbys while walking to class, ability to complain about printers being broken without actually doing anything and the ability to steal food from Burwell without being caught.
WAC also advises competing students to familiarize themselves with common campus knowledge. According to insider information, campus trivia questions may include how long it has been since Marsh was renovated, what exactly the room under the bleachers of BenJo was created for, and whose idea the piano-key crosswalk outside of Ramsay Music Hall was.
The competition comes after increased security surveillance has failed to stop students from breaking in to Old Main every weekend.
“Last weekend, the entire ceiling of the boys’ restroom on the third floor had been broken through. It looked like students were literally falling through the ceiling in their attempt to break through the building’s infrastructure – clearly, they will stop at nothing to fulfill the dream of reaching the bell tower. Not only are crumbling ceiling tiles, broken vents and destroyed insulation dangerous, but it’s a waste of the college’s resources,” said a Campus Safety officer. “If students are so determined to break into the bell tower, we might as well make it safe, controlled and profitable.”
The College plans to use the money raised to pay for the new Tennis Court surface, which was apparently authorized accidentally over the summer.
“We meant to repave the Gravel Lot,” said a college staff member, “but the Tennis Team was so appreciative of the decision. So we decided to just go with it.”
The competition will be accepting applications for teams of five until April 20, 2016. Please send applications to [email protected] for review and include the following information on all five team members: names, character flaws, favorite planets, ideal Cookout tray combinations. WAC asks that applicants also include payment information.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article of pure fiction for our April edition, The Old Black & Blue
