Whether you are an incoming freshman or a returning upperclassman, college can be difficult to navigate. These four years shape and define you as a person, preparing you for graduation and beyond. However, some Wofford students have mentioned that the process of grooming themselves into fine citizens can be quite stressful and overall complicated. Luckily, we at the OG&B have compiled our sources and created the perfect guide for how to cope with college and all the new and terrifying aspects that come with the college experience.

1. Since these are the best years of your life, feel extremely guilty every time they feel like the worst years of your life. You’re not allowed to feel any moment of sorrow, regret, anxiety— none of it. These are the years you won’t stop talking about for the next fifty years. All of your life stories must come from these four years. You must be happy. You are happy. Smile. Defeat does not exist.

2. Freshmen are not allowed to be cool. It is a rule. Any freshman who tries to be cool will be punished when they are older with scarring flash-blacks of all the stupid things they did as freshmen to try to impress their fellow peers.

3. Also as a freshman, you are not allowed to show anyone that you are not enjoying college. Everyone looks happy. Clearly, everyone else is happy (Step 1 proves this fact). You feel cheery every day. Everyone is sizing up the freshmen, making sure they are always happy. Wofford likes to test freshmen’s happiness-levels on occasion. You may find that all the driers will stop working in your dorm or your hall bathroom might begin to leak into the hall. Do these tests make you sad? No! You are a happy, chipper, freshman. Do not forget it, or Campus Safety will give you an Emotion Violation (EV).

4. You should be advised to give a wide berth to any sophomore within a five foot radius of you. Their egos might suffocate you. Be wary and walk away quickly. Let them believe they are Supreme Rulers. It is easier this way.

5. If you see a junior, give them a pat on the back. Half of their friends just went abroad, leaving them with nothing on a Friday night but their melancholy collection of Lana Del Rey albums they will be playing on repeat. Time is against the poor junior. They are more than half-way through college. Some have no job experience. Others have no direction. The junior has another year to establish his or herself, yet it seems impossible. Yes, give a junior a pat on the back. Maybe even a cookie. And do not make a fuss when Campus Safety does not hand out EVs to juniors. Juniors are the exception to emotions on campus, aside from angry Greek organizations.

6. Underclassmen should prepare to have their hearts broken when it comes to the seniors. Do not, we repeat, do not befriend a senior. You will find they are too amazing and you will find yourself so desperately sad that you did not know them earlier and before you know it, they will graduate and leave you alone. It will just be you and Lana and Burwell. Bon appetite.

7. Also, seniors should stay away from underclassmen if possible unless they want to be sucked into a vortex of crushing low self-esteem. “What am I doing?” “I shouldn’t be a bio major!” “I can’t do this!” No, you have danced this dance before. Go back to senior land where a red carpet awaits you around every corner, where underclassman fear yet admire you, and where the future is just a myth someone came up with at The Space.

8. And don’t forget, these really are the happiest years of your life.

Hopefully this guide has silenced those panicky voices in your head that pop up from time to time. The only other piece of advice that we want to offer to the students of Wofford College would be this: have fun, but don’t beat yourself up.

Also, it wouldn’t kill you to walk faster on the sidewalk. Unless you’re a sophomore. In which case, Your Highness, please, take your time as well as everyone else’s. It gives the squirrels more time to throw half-eaten acorns on our heads as we drudge behind Your Excellency.

Have a great semester, Wofford. Welcome back.